Raymond Wong (razorw) wrote,
Raymond Wong

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Had a chance to check-in with a friend. Haven't seen or interacted with this person in a while. Their struggles have been similar as of late to mine. Came to a few thoughts...

As I shared in my previous post, the job has been going well. The self-reflection and candidness around myself hasn't been as good. As if from a daze, I'm trying to reconcile with:

  • my self confidence: not sure where this disappeared to, but its very weird to look at myself and see myself stumble at even basic interactions with other people. This is not so much to do with my ability or skill, but rather my confidence and belief in myself.

  • my physical appearance: its quite strange to look at a mirror, day-in and day-out and now come to a point where I don't even recognize the other person in the reflection, or in a photo. I can fluctuate a significant amount of weight in a few weeks time and my body-shape is all out of whack

  • my spiritual self: as if I have repressed it for a long period of time, it yearns for flight, light, and enlightenment. It seems to soak my open wounds in rays of sunlight and energy that I find myself constantly trying to find a way to recharge

  • my social network: the ties that bind and the glue that once held together is no longer there. I don't make the energy or effort as I still struggle with the spotlight and attention of the changes that I have made recently. The pain seems easier to sink into, as its something that's been a constant companion now, and happiness is but a stranger or distant relative.

  • emotional connectivity: trying to tune myself back to my emotional self isn't as simple as picking a tuning fork. I find myself exploring some of the sappy and emotive moments of reality tv like X-Factor or SYTYCD to try to unlock and peel away the layers of hardened and rotten buildup.

The reality is that I've been hearing this advice and feedback for years, but I've been lost for a long time. Not ready, stubborn, avoidist, etc.But at some point, the status-quo no longer holds, what once only bent now breaks, and then that's when change happens. But as they say, without the rain, you cannot see the rainbow...

  • my self confidence: working on this. moving action into habits, habits into skills. Need to forgive myself as this takes time.

  • my physical appearance: i am who i am. While its easy to be invisible when you are fat, its about momentum and moving forward. In addition to the fitbit, and trying to do some basic calorie tracking, trying to get back into spin class more regularly. Biking, the one activity I didn't really get into this year felt like a big disconnect. In some ways, I wonder if I enjoyed (or associated) it more as a coping strategy than an activity. Still reconciling this.

  • my spiritual self: forgiveness and meditation and acceptance. Deep breathing exercises. The ebbs and flows of a day make this feel a bit more of a challenge, but i think I'm starting to understand...

  • my social network: everything has a place.. people as well... the only constant is change...

  • emotional connectivity: i am probably going to have a lot more bad days for a little while, and just gotta be okay with that.. On the flip side, I've got a lot more vacation time ahead now...

I am moving forward.. and that's the most important part. A bit more than yesterday and a bit more than the day before.
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